Always Right: A TVRGO Short Story

 

Part 1: Controversial Comments

CRAIG, 50s, sits in his office in his home. There, he records the wildly popular, politically conservative podcast The Always Right Podcast. He is ready to start recording the next episode. 

CRAIG

Welcome everyone to The Always Right Podcast, where I tell the truth. Liberals don’t know the truth, moderates don’t know the truth, and even most conservatives don’t know the truth. But I do. And I am always right. First up today is the new jobs report...a record-breaking number of jobs has been created last month, thanks to the work of our Commander In Chief. Now, leftists all over social media are trying to spin this in a way that would hurt the President, but I know he is cruising to re-election. The stock market is at an all time high while the liberal media continues to pretend as though the President is behind in key swing states. Their polling system is flawed, and so is the way they want to vote. People can talk and talk and talk all they want, the President is being re-elected. 

CRAIG takes a breath, looking around his desk to find the papers he printed out.

CRAIG
It’s time to give a quick shout out to some of my sponsors.

CRAIG locates a paper and starts reading off it.

CRAIG
Need some coffee to put in the coffee mug just added to the President’s merchandise line? Look no further than Coffee With Toffee. Coffee With Toffee comes in all kinds of flavors, including Chocolate Toffee, Salted Toffee, and the limited edition Cherry Toffee. Coffee With Toffee. Now available in stores near you.

CRAIG has finished reading the advertisement and looks confused.

CRAIG
Wow, Coffee With Toffee? What a terrible idea! No one will drink that! Just a reminder, before I move on to my next sponsor shout out, The Always Right Podcast brings you nothing but the facts. No opinions here, just facts. Moving on...wow. Okay, I am supposed to promote Thank-a-Blanket, but that seems useless...and what’s this, I’m not even going to read the name of this company out loud, their Senior Vice President of HR dislikes our President, and the CEO also hates him. Just by looking at him I know that. 

CRAIG hears a call from downstairs. He quickly uploads the recording of his podcast and walks downstairs. His wife, ANNABELLE, 50s, is waiting for him.

ANNABELLE
I heard a little bit of what you were saying up there.

CRAIG
Sorry hon’, the President is getting re-elected. I know you’re into all those widespread lies, but it’s the truth.

ANNABELLE
I’m not talking about that. You went off on those sponsors though.

CRAIG
Oh come on, am I ever wrong?

ANNABELLE looks down at the floor.

ANNABELLE (quietly)

No.

CRAIG
So there’s no issue.

ANNABELLE
Just because you think something is true doesn’t mean you should say it. You’ll lose your advertisers.

CRAIG
Screw them. I’m not compromising with them if they sell shi—

ANNABELLE
Watch it.

CRAIG
Crappy—

ANNABELLE
Better.

CRAIG
Products. 

ANNABELLE
Okay, well I can’t say I didn’t warn you. You need to be careful, though. You could become infamous and have trouble finding an employer if you ever want to quit this podcast.

CRAIG
I get paid to tell people the truth. Why would I ever stop doing that?

ANNABELLE
I’m just saying, maybe you should think before you speak sometimes.

CRAIG
You’re wrong. I’m gonna take a walk, I’ll be back in time to eat whatever you make for dinner. 

CRAIG turns around. ANNABELLE makes a mocking face at him, mad he assumes she will make dinner, yet also understanding his statement given she has always been the one to make dinner. She starts making sausage and mashed potatoes, his favorite meal. Or as he calls it, the only good meal. 



Part 2: Calling All Sponsors

CRAIG returns from his walk. He opens the door to his house and walks into the kitchen.

CRAIG
Sausage and mashed potatoes. The one good meal.

ANNABELLE
Enjoy it, because I have some bad news for you.

CRAIG
Is it actually bad news or is it just something that you THINK is bad news? Oftentimes, there’s a difference.

ANNABELLE

If you say so.

CRAIG
I know so.

ANNABELLE
Okay...your phone rang three times upstairs. I didn’t answer it because I’m sure it was confidential. 

CRAIG
Fine. I’ll get the phone, keep my food warm for me. I just uploaded like a minute of new content, it’s just people thanking me. 

CRAIG walks upstairs to find three missed calls. He calls back one of them. On the third ring, the CEO of Toffee For Coffee answers.

CRAIG
You’re calling to place some more ads on my show. 

CEO OF TOFFEE FOR COFFEE
I’m calling to pull out of your show. I don’t want to associate with you any longer.

CRAIG
If you say so.

CRAIG hangs up the phone and calls back another missed call. The CEO of Thank-a-Blanket answers.

CRAIG

Alright, tell me your false facts.

CEO OF THANK-A-BLANKET
Seriously? You’re really going to bash our product when we advertised on your show?

CRAIG
Have you even listened to my show? I’m always right!

CEO OF THANK-A-BLANKET

We’re pulling out of your show. And I adore our President!

CRAIG
No you don’t.

CEO OF THANK-A-BLANKET

Fine, I actually don’t. How did you even know?

CRAIG
As I said, I’m always right. 

CRAIG hangs up the phone and calls back the final caller. It is the CEO of 18 Clocks.

CRAIG

Hey! Good to hear from you!

CEO OF 18 CLOCKS

Word is spreading about that new content you just put out. We are no longer associated with you. We don’t want to risk having what happened to those brands happen to us. 

CRAIG
Suit yourself. 

CRAIG hangs up and walks back downstairs.

ANNABELLE
What was it?

CRAIG

Eh, some people just can’t acknowledge the facts. 

ANNABELLE rolls her eyes.

ANNABELLE

You lost some sponsors?

CRAIG
I didn’t lose any sponsors, the sponsors lost me. They’ll come crying back soon, and I’ll be turning them down because of all the new sponsors I’m about to get. 

ANNABELLE
You don’t know that.

CRAIG
Wrong, once again. See? I’m just telling things like they are. Not everyone likes it. But someone has to say it. 

ANNABELLE
You need to give up this podcast.

CRAIG
You kidding me? Nobody else dares to go where I go with this.

ANNABELLE
Oh, I wonder why.

CRAIG
They’re cowards. Now if you excuse me, it’s time for me to eat. 

ANNABELLE walks away. CRAIG eats alone, confident in his podcast and himself. 

Part 3: You Are Wrong

CRAIG is sitting in his office, alone, getting ready to record some more content for his podcast. When he is ready, he starts recording.

CRAIG

Welcome to The Always Right Podcast. I’m Craig, and I’m always right. I have a lot on my mind today, so I’m just going to say it all now. The support for Mr. President is stronger than ever before. How do I know, you may ask? Well, many struggle to give a reason of why they are not voting for him. They simply say they are not voting for him, even though they are, and think nobody will question them. Also, don’t get me started on the false narrative that his opponent is better than him in any way. He doesn’t have any good policies, and he doesn’t care about you. He doesn’t care about anything, really. And finally, it’s the protests, dummy. People will vote to re-elect our President because of the protests. We need investigation to happens at the scene of the crime. The President, and only the President, will give that to us. Now, this is normally the part of the show where I tell all my listeners about my sponsors, but I actually do not have any sponsors today. That’s right. Coffee With Toffee, Thank-a-Blanket, and 18 Clocks are all unable to swallow what I am saying. Their cowardly actions will decrease their profits significantly, and they will go out of business with everyone boycotting them. But hey, they did that to themselves. When they disagree with someone who is always right, they should probably be able to figure out that they’re wrong. 

CRAIG ends the recording and walks downstairs. 

ANNABELLE

You’re in sweatpants. Something getting to you?

CRAIG
No. 

ANNABELLE
You only wear sweatpants when you think something is wrong.

CRAIG
No, I only wear sweatpants when I KNOW something is wrong.

ANNABELLE
So you do think something is wrong?

CRAIG
No, I know something is wrong.

ANNABELLE
Whatever. Let me guess, the sponsors?

CRAIG
You got that right. What if I don’t get new ones?

ANNABELLE
I told you to be careful.

CRAIG
And I ignored your advice like I should have. It’s their fault they don’t want to advertise, not mine. 

ANNABELLE

You need to think about ending this podcast soon if you’re not going to make anything from it.

CRAIG
Oh please. Plus, our stocks are doing amazing. 

ANNABELLE
That is true.

CRAIG
Of course it’s true, why else would I have said it?

ANNABELLE

You need to get your act together.

CRAIG
My act is together.

ANNABELLE
Can I offer a suggestion?

CRAIG
We’re going to buy more stocks. That’s the right thing to do.

ANNABELLE
Yeah, okay, but my suggestion is to retool your podcast. 

CRAIG
No, that’s a terrible idea. What I should do is change my podcast just a little bit so that it’s listenable for the people who are wrong.

ANNABELLE rolls her eyes.

ANNABELLE (sarcastically)
Why didn’t I think of that?

CRAIG
Nice talk honey. I’m going to bed now. You’ll be in bed by 10, I just know it. 

CRAIG walks upstairs, but does not actually go to bed. Instead, he writes down notes and thinks about what he can say on his next podcast. When he figures out exactly what to say, he goes to bed. 

Part 4: Sometimes Moderate

CRAIG is back in his recording room. He takes a deep breath and gets ready to start recording. 

CRAIG
Welcome, everyone, to The Always Right Podcast. I am Craig, and I am always right. The President will be re-elected in a landslide, there will be people who complain, and those people will be wrong. But however wrong they may be, The Always Right Podcast is also for them. This is not something that is exclusive to any one group of people. Someone can be wrong and also enjoy listening to The Always Right Podcast. For example, the CEO of Toss The Moth Spray is wrong. They are misguided, and what they try to pass off as facts are simply opinions. But just because they are wrong, doesn’t mean they can’t sponsor my show. So pick up a bottle of Toss The Moth Spray, in stores today. Today’s podcast is also sponsored by the folks at Quizzical Quiz. Visit Quizzical Quiz online now to play the latest quizzes. Even though their ex-CEO is a failed Presidential candidate. And that about does it for now, I will talk to you all later. 

CRAIG ends the podcast and uploads it, feeling disgusted. Shortly thereafter, he logs onto the social media page for his show to find many new message notifications. 

CRAIG reads every message. The ones from long-time listeners are saying they will stop listening to his podcast. The ones from newer listeners are mixed, with some saying they will stop listening and others thanking him for making an effort to at least acknowledge other people. 

CRAIG shakes his head, knowing he should have sticked to his routine. He walks downstairs and finds ANNABELLE standing at the bottom of the stairs, arms folded.

CRAIG
What’s wrong?

ANNABELLE
I heard everything you just said. We have different opinions, I’m not objectively wrong.

CRAIG
Would you take a bullet for our President?

ANNABELLE
Of course not!

CRAIG
Then you’re wrong. 

ANNABELLE
I’m just saying, I’m open to a President of any political party. A lot of people think like that.

CRAIG
They’re wrong. You’re wrong. 

ANNABELLE
I know, you’re always right. 

CRAIG
Thank you.

ANNABELLE
Sometimes I wonder why I’m still married to you.

CRAIG
You’re married to me because I have a lot of money. Anything else is irrelevant. If I have money, you’ll stay, if I don’t, you’ll leave. 

ANNABELLE

Not everything is about money, you know.

CRAIG
Yes it is. Why else would you be mad at me all of a sudden? You were completely fine when I had long-time sponsors. 

ANNABELLE

Well if people start messaging you online about how they’re going to stop listening, I’m leaving? Okay.

CRAIG
You won’t leave, you like me too much. 

ANNABELLE
I thought this was all about money?

CRAIG
Is is all about money. You like me because I have money. Hey, you’re right about something!

ANNABELLE
Remember, if people stop listening, you better hope I don’t hear about it. 

CRAIG

Okay. You’ll have dinner ready when I’m back. 

CRAIG walks out the door. 

Part 5: Liberating Freedom

CRAIG opens the door to his house.

ANNABELLE

I answered the phone for once.

CRAIG
Oh?

ANNABELLE
Some liberal podcast wants to have you on as a guest right now. 

CRAIG
Oh I’m about to OWN them.

ANNABELLE
Yeah okay, just don’t make a fool out of yourself.

CRAIG
Impossible.

CRAIG runs upstairs to his recording room. He calls into the liberal show. The host, TAY, 20s, answers.

TAY
Everyone, I have the one and only Craig from The Always Right Podcast on my own podcast right now. How are you doing today, Craig?

CRAIG
Who are you and what show is this?

TAY
My name is Tay, and this is my podcast, Liberating Freedom. 

CRAIG
Sounds terrible.

TAY
I decided to have you on the show to ask you some questions.

CRAIG
I know. 

TAY
Okay, so you are exactly how they say you are. So, what should my listeners know about you?

CRAIG
First off, I am always right. You’re wrong, and your listeners are fools. 

TAY
Why?

CRAIG
You don’t care about money, you only care about those other little things that don’t matter.

TAY
We’re looking to change the world. That only starts by taking away every single penny from every rich person.

CRAIG
You’re wrong.

TAY
Actually, you’re wrong. 

CRAIG
We can’t both be wrong. And I’m always right. Do the math, kid. Or do they not teach that anymore?

TAY

I know how to do math, and I know a lot of things.

CRAIG
A lot of wrong things, that is.

TAY
You’re a jerk.

CRAIG
You mean I’m a truth-teller.

TAY
No, you’re not.

CRAIG
That wasn’t a question. That was a statement. I’m a truth-teller.

TAY

Sir, I have to respectfully disagree here.

CRAIG
So you admit, I’m right. About time. 

TAY

Wow. No wonder you’re losing all your sponsors and listeners. 

CRAIG
I am very open to having sponsors who are wrong, and the people who don’t listen anymore can go fu—

TAY

That’s all the time we have. 

TAY hangs up the phone. 

CRAIG also hangs up, frustrated. He opens the door to find ANNABELLE standing right next to it. 

ANNABELLE

So you are losing listeners. 

CRAIG

So what?

ANNABELLE
So you won’t be making money. It’s either me or your show, and your show isn’t going to last much longer the way things are going.

CRAIG
My show will last a long time. Now go buy groceries for dinner.

ANNABELLE
How do you expect me to do that if you’re not going to make any money?

CRAIG
Oh, because you’re making so much by just wandering around the house doing nothing yourself.

ANNABELLE
Excuse me?

CRAIG
It’s true. Maybe you should think about getting a job or I’ll leave you. This isn’t a one-sided marriage, you know.

ANNABELLE
Screw you.

ANNABELLE walks away in disgust.

Part 6: Admit It

CRAIG sits in his recording room, getting ready to record. He has his fight with ANNABELLE on his mind. He also has just learned that his new sponsors have scaled back on advertising after seeing his declining listenership numbers.

CRAIG
Hello everybody, and welcome to The Always Right Podcast. While some people want to defund not only the police but also the first responders, fire stations, and suburbs, our President is fighting for justice. I would plead for you to vote for him, but we all know he’s being re-elected in a landslide. Guns will make us safer, climate change is a hoax, and the stock market is crazy high. Now, some people claim there are different ideologies to every platform issue. Some people say there should be debates over who is right and who is wrong. But I am always right. I don’t see eye-to-eye with other people, because they’re wrong. You may disagree. If you do, then you’re wrong. And—fine, I have to bring this up—if my wife wants to leave me because I don’t make enough money for her, I’m right. If she wants to leave in spite of me making money, she’s wrong, thereby meaning I’m right. I am ashamed to see some of my fellow conservatives have an open ear, and not dismiss everything anyone else is saying. Tell it like it is, guys. Tell the people who are wrong that they are indeed wrong. Some say I give conservatism a bad name because I dismiss the viewpoints of everyone else. Yes, there are many conservatives who say they can understand the other side, and there are many—ugh—liberals who say they can understand the other side as well. That’s a bunch of bull—uh, bull crap. So to all you so-called conservatives who say you can see what other people are saying: you’re wrong. I seem to be alone in my thought process. It really is tough, living in a world where everyone is wrong except for myself. That about does it for my factual rant today. And one more thing: this is the end of The Always Right Podcast. I have done everything I can possibly do to break through the sea of falsehoods in order to promote our President’s agenda. Soon, he will be re-elected. To a great, prosperous four more years. And I mean that to everyone. Not just to those who are right, but also those who are wrong. It’s not your fault you were born dumb. 

CRAIG ends the podcast, satisfied with his final result.

ANNABELLE
So?

CRAIG
I ended the podcast.

ANNABELLE

So no more money?

CRAIG
I’ll find something else.

ANNABELLE
What if you don’t? 

CRAIG
I have no regrets. I spoke my mind. Someone has to tell the truth. And if my personal life falls apart as a result, so be it. 

ANNABELLE
We can make this work. I can find a job and support us. Under one condition.

CRAIG
What is it?

ANNABELLE
You need to admit you’re wrong.

CRAIG
I’m not wrong.

ANNABELLE
Yes you are. First, you were wrong to bash those sponsors. Then, you were wrong to not care when they pulled out of your podcast. You were also wrong to not care about people not listening anymore. You had a podcast. You had to rely on listeners, and as such, ad revenue, to make a profit. You were also wrong to call out that young woman on the liberal podcast. You were wrong to assume I’m wrong just because I’m more moderate than you. You were wrong to call out fellow conservatives for not calling out other people for being wrong.

CRAIG
Annabelle...those are all your opinions.

ANNABELLE
I’m giving you a chance, Craig. Take it or leave it.

CRAIG

I spoke my mind. That was my job. What is so bad about that?

ANNABELLE
It gets you into trouble.

CRAIG
So what? Am I not allowed to have opinions anymore?

ANNABELLE
YOU SAID IT!

CRAIG
What?

ANNABELLE
They’re opinions! You said you’re not allowed to have opinions anymore. And you are allowed to have opinions! Just don’t pass them off as facts.

CRAIG
Please. My opinions double as facts.

ANNABELLE
Seriously?

CRAIG
Yes. 

ANNABELLE

I’m leaving. 

CRAIG
No you’re not.

ANNABELLE
Are you crazy? I gave you the chance to redeem yourself and you didn’t take it!

CRAIG
You should listen to yourself! Who are you to say you’re the one who is right and I’m wrong? You’re reasoning is exactly what mine is, except you’re wrong by thinking you’re the one who is right.

ANNABELLE
Holy...wow, you’re right.

CRAIG
When am I not?

ANNABELLE
Everyone always thinks they’re right. Who’s to say they are, though? We all want to be right. We all convince ourselves we’re right. But what if we’re not?

CRAIG
I am always right.

ANNABELLE
And apparently, I also think I am always right.

CRAIG
You think you’re always right, while I know I’m always right.

ANNABELLE
You are so missing the point here. Don’t you see? Can the two of us just set aside our differences and admit that maybe, just maybe, we all have our opinions? Sometimes they’re right, sometimes...maybe not so much.

CRAIG

So you’re saying I’m right?

ANNABELLE rolls her eyes.

ANNABELLE
Sure. You’re right. And I’m right too.

CRAIG
If you insist.

ANNABELLE
So I’ve come to that conclusion. Now can you do the same?

CRAIG is silent. 

ANNABELLE
Craig?

CRAIG
Fine. I guess, maybe, me being right doesn’t always have its positives. 

ANNABELLE
You’re not always right.

CRAIG
I’ll see you around. You’re going to leave me because I don’t make money anymore.

ANNABELLE
No I’m not. 

CRAIG
Are you trying to suggest I was—uh, uh...

ANNABELLE
Say it. 

CRAIG

Wrong?

ANNABELLE
Yes Craig, you were wrong. 

CRAIG

Wow, I was wrong. That’s a surprise, and we both know I’m right about that part!

ANNABELLE smiles.