It Starts When You're Always Afraid

Welcome to "The Gods Are Bored," published with the support of viewers like you! NPR - National Pagan Righteousness! Be good, be careful, and be happy. And don't be afraid to take the last chocolate brownie on the plate. How's that for swell advice?

I would be remiss if I didn't thank Yellowdog Granny for all the nice things she said about me and all the great new readers she's sent my way! I like Granny as much as she likes me, because she's not afraid to write out what I often think to myself and keep in my brain for the few times when I need to explode with expletives. (It has happened.) So thanks again, Granny. I have asked the bored gods to give you a great garden this year.

Here at "The Gods Are Bored" this week we've been perusing a book called Deliver Us from Evil, by Cindy Jacobs. Mrs. Jacobs is a Christian prophet and is very concerned about occult influences on good Christian folks who might not be prepared to fight them.

I know you've heard of astral projection, but have you ever heard of astral sex? Oh yes, you have, I guess, because some of those poor witches burnt at the stake back in the day were accused of doing it with demons.

Now you might think that such superstitious stuff fell out of fashion about the time when Galileo proved that the Earth moves around the Sun. Think again.

You know those torrid dreams you have about the gorgeous hunk/chick you see at the health club? Turns out that hunk/chick is astrally projecting into your dreams and having real sex with you! And since all of this is inspired by Satan, astral sex is also responsible for those dreams you have in which you're ... emmmm ... doing things that might be a bit over-the-top for the ol' boudoir. Some demon is sporting with you while you're asleep, and you're waking up and feeling really really grimy.

But wait. That's not all. When you wake up, you want to do some of those grimy things in real time. So you go out looking for someone other than the devoted Christian spouse sleeping next to you who only fantasizes about you, and only during sex! Wow. You are in such a bind! Damned sex demons! They want you to lick Smuckers strawberry jam off your next door neighbor's thigh! They made you dream about it, didn't they? And your neighbor must want the jam, because he/she astrally projected and got you riled in your dreams...

I feel so sorry for the people who take Cindy Jacobs seriously. Really I do.

It stands to reason that the more mundane your sex life is, the more you're going to be ... emmm ... dreaming about weird stuff. And the more uptight you are about the weird stuff, the weirder it's going to be. Go ahead. Blame it on demons. It's really only you, stuck in a wacked religion. Your subconscious is gonna rebel, sinner man.

I bought Deliver Us from Evil at a Christian used bookstore. So it came to me as a used book. And there's just a little bit of yellow highlighting in the book. In fact, only one little prayer is highlighted in yellow.

"In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, I break all the power of all sexual spirits that were sent against me in the night. I command you in the name of Jesus to be gone from me. Father, I now ask that You cleanse me from all the defilement that has come from this demonic attack. In the name of Jesus. Amen."

Whoever owned this book before me had some troubles in the wee small hours of the morning, when the whole wide world is fast asleep.

For the love of fruit flies. The entire Greek pantheon is howling with laughter. Hey. Have some sympathy! The human race is in sexual recession, and you think that's funny?

Gosh, the next time Johnny Depp astrally projects into my dreams, I'm gonna see that he leaves his autograph on the bed table. That would be a win-win situation.